Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Tales From the Crapped

If you're squeamish about bathroom situations, close your eyes while you read this.

So I'm sitting in the recliner and suddenly get a sharp pain in my side that feels like something large just outstreched vertically in my intestines so I stretched out in the recliner to try to relieve the pain, then it suddenly shifted horizontal causing me to spasm in the other direction. Feeling much like there's something playing X-games in my intestines this happens a few times from left to right, quite reminiscent of atomic diahrea that accompanies the stomach flu.

Great, just what I need to be getting sick.

If I were gay I would've thought it was the baby kicking but I digress.

Now comes the moment of truth, I don't know if I have to fart or shit, never a good sign.

Then without warning or fanfare comes the sudden emergence of the turtle head and the mad dash to the bathroom.

This was no ordinary trip to the bathroom, I had to get a LaMaze coach to help me with my breathing "Now PUSH!" ... "UHHHN"... "PUSH!" so I can only imagine this is somewhat similar to child birth as it feels like I have just opened up so large I could suddenly slide over the toilet bowl.

When the accompanying paperwork is done is when this traumatic trip to the bathroom reaches epic proportions.... never in my life have I seen such a thing, it's a mutant, it's HUGE! it's ENORMOUS! It's the Empire Shit Building standing entirely up the side of the bowl laughing at me as I stare at this forearm sized dung heap in horror.

What the hell did I eat?

Now the moment of truth, time to flush.

[cue theme from Jaws: bum bum bum bum bum bum...]

The water goes up, up, up, up and over the top while this big clinker just sits there mocking me without budging. [digression: Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink] I'm quickly deploying any handy towels as fast as possible so this turdnami doesn't make it to the carpet.

Anyway, you get the idea, a lot of urping and plunging came next.

I need to change my diet as that's some crazy shit that I don't need.

4 comments:

Linda said...

Sounds like you got hold of one of those extremely-high-priced but oh-so-good-for-you cereals. If that's so, better go back to shredded wheat, corn flakes, wheaties or whatever.

Or just write a book about how to lose 10 pounds in an hour or less and make a pot full of money.

IncrediBILL said...

I actually think it was tuna casserole but we didn't do a post mortem on the subject.

FYI - my wife thinks writing about cat shit is funny, writing about your own shit is uncalled for - Critics.

Anonymous said...

Can't. Stop. Laughing. Eyes. Watering. This is one of the funniest things I've read this year. What the hell does that say about me?

youfoundjake said...

Classic!!! Turtle heads rock..
Being in the Tech industry, supporting various clients through-out the Northern California area, I spend a lot of time in my car driving from place to place..
During the drive, I manage to find every starbuck along the way, and get a refill of coffee to drink while I'm driving..
One day, I had to travel from the Bay area to Salinas, a little over 2 hours away from my house. 2 stops at starbucks. From Salinas, I had to head to Freedom, 30 minutes away. One starbucks stop.
I arrive at the office, hopped up on coffee and caffeine, my daily diet, and proceeded to fix the issues at hand with the machines. It was myself and the office manager this fine day..
As I sat at the server, configuring the sonicwall, it happened..the PUCKER factor kicked in, and my ass did a contraction that I can only imagine what childbirth feels like..
I made my way to the bathroom, right next to where the office manager sat, using small steps as so that nothing will leak out, not knowing what the consistency was comprimised of..
I sat down, and an assplosion ensued, with little droplets splashing up much like marking my territory..
And I thought to myself "don't take too long or she's gonna know, and what is it going to smell like?"
I quickly finished as fast as it started, only to have to deal with the fact that this had turned into a 3-flusher, a for sure dead giveaway to her, but alas, it would have been rude to not..
I sheepishly grabbed the toilet brush and scrubbed what had stuck, and expressed a thank you to a porclein gods for not jamming it up on me, and made my way out the bathroom, relieved that the bought was over, and once the job was completed, managed to hit the 3 starbucks on the way back home, much to the chigran of my wife...