Saturday, January 14, 2006

Cat Tales of Horror

When you first get your new cat you think about all the fun things like playing with the cat dancer, petting the warm fuzzy critter sitting on your lap purring, and all that pet lover crap.

What you get in reality isn't just a pet, it's a four-legged festival of bodily malfunctions designed to horrify, shock and destroy everything you own.

Don't get me wrong, I love my cat, but if you could install a zipper on his mouth and a cork in his ass life would be easier.

Strong ID

That's what it said on his papers when we bought the little fucker:

We had no clue what that meant, he responded well to his name?

A few days later we figured it out.

Our cat's shit was radioactive and smelled so bad it could send people running out of the room.

One day, we're sitting in the living room over 50 feet away from the litter box and this god awful smell comes wafting down the house as people run screaming and urping in terror and gather under the kitchen ceiling fan for protection.

Can someone explain to me how a very tiny kitten dropping a very tiny tootsie roll can make it smell like the fucking sewer just exploded and overflowed into my house?

Feeling much like Indiana Jones in the Nostrils of Doom I pull my shirt up over my nose and yell "I'M GOING IN!" and run into the bathroom, scoop that one tiny fragment from the litter box and flush it down the toilet and diffuse the situation.

Gives me some respect for people that work in bomb squads right about then.

Luckily, this odiferous situation goes away when we get the little bastard neutered.

Barfy the Vomit Slayer

Twelve years later (ok, 2 days ago) my wife is running thru the house holding the cat yelling "NO NO NO NO!" heading for the bathroom after scooping up the cat from the furniture as he sat there in full blown hairball hacking mode with with his tongue hanging making that oh too familiar sound:


Luckily, once again we get him into the bathroom just in time to blow up on the tile instead of the sofa, bed, carpet, etc. Just like the postman that always rings twice, the cat always barfs twice so you have to close the bathroom door until he's done with his yakfest.

That Sinking Feeling

First, let's start with the fact that my cat refuses to drink water from a bowl and stands in the bathroom sink and screams for someone to come turn on the water. It's like having a 2 year old always asking for a drink. At least the cat is nice enough to yell when he's done so you can go turn the water off, a polite pet is always a bonus.

One day a few years back, after turning on the water he just keeps going back to the sink, over and over, for maybe thirty minutes. I'm wondering what in the hell is up, too much salt in the cat food?

Suddenly, my daughter starts screaming and yelling from her room and I run in to see the cat about 7 feet up in the air, on top of the TV which is on top of the armoir, spewing buckets of water cascading down the armoir like one of those fountains in the park. Trying to get the cat off the TV makes matters worse as he goes the opposite way spewing water as he runs. Eventually he jumps off on his own running in a typical cat panic to hide under the nearest bed after the waterfalls have stopped.

Who needs an alarm?

One morning I was sound asleep and woke up to some odd noise in the room:


I look around the room and much to my horror I see the cat sitting atop the armoir catapulting balls of cat food across the room. His head turns back and forth and "WHUH!" another ball of brightly colored cat food shoots about 3 feet onto the carpet.

Nothing I'm going to do about this until it's over as I'm not taking a cat bomb in the face trying to get him down - the horror of it all.

Follow the Bouncing Ball

The cat comes running out of the bathroom one afternoon with something bouncing along behind him and he just keeps running around from room to room with this little thing bouncing around behind him.

I know this is going to be bad and I should probably turn and run in the other direction but instead I catch the cat to see what in the hell is going on.

It appears kitty has somehow consumed a few of my wife's hairs and now has a bouncing ball of shit chasing him attached to 3 hairs still hanging out of his ass.

Just lovely, you know someone has to pull these hairs out of his ass, and you know who that someone is going to be.

Carpet Crawler

Ever see a dog or a cat sitting ass down on the carpet pulling themselves along by their front feet?

That's what my cat does when he hasn't been drinking enough and his shit gets stuck half way out his ass - runs out of the litter box and scoots down the hall until suddenly a little tootsie roll pops out on the carpet.

Have I mentioned I love my cat?

Computer Monitor

The cat is always on top of my computer monitor, as a matter of fact he's there snoozing right now as I'm typing this. Good thing the little fucker can't read or I'd probably lose a layer of epidermis for this rant.

Anyway, one day he comes flying out of the bathroom and jumps on the desk and monitor with a vengeance and I'm startled even more when he suddenly goes ass down on the top of the monitor vents and starts going in circles.

Fucking lovely - BOING! Tootsie roll.

Fine, now it's time to get the disinfectant and the paper towels to clean off the brown streaks on top of the monitor.

Did I mention I REALLY REALLY LOOOOVE my cat?

It's 3AM, do you know what that smell is?

My wife wakes up at 3AM yelling about the horrific smell in the room, then she notices the smell is coming from the cat laying next to her in bed. Then she notices some stinky smelly goo all over the bed near his tail.

Did you know cats have skunk like glands in their ass that need periodic cleaning?

Neither did we until it just unloaded in our bed!

Nothing more fun than changing sheets and deodorizing a room at 3AM

What's Cooking?

One fine Saturday we're having lunch in the other room and suddenly a smell starts wafting across the house so I ask "Honey, you leave something on a burner?" and she replies "Nope, and it's not coming from the kitchen either".

Suddenly the cat looking scared shitless bolts into the living room - never a good sign.

So I start walking around the house to see where the odor is coming from and as I get closer to my computer room the smell of burning circuit boards fills the room.

One look at the monitor and I see the problem as smoke billows out the top of the vents which are covered in cat spew and my HP M90 is officially toast.


OK, maybe love is only half-grand as that monitor cost $500 when it was new.

Fucking cat.


Linda said...

Thanks Bill. This has to go into your hall of fame posts. I was in tears from laughing!

I miss my cat. He did all that except ralfing on the monitor. However, he did nail my stereo system once with all that good stuff right into the vents on top, he covered the top of a bookcase several times, and he thought any spot of carpet was fair game. The water faucet thing wasn't just for drinking - he thought it was fun to stick a paw in and play with the water, splashing it anywhere and everywhere - but like most cats he didn't like to get himself wet.

One thing my cat did which really was a problem was to chew up anything made of paper. Shreds of paper everywhere! I really had to keep a close eye on important papers and make sure they were never left where he could get at them or they'd be confetti in no time. I did leave junk mail where he could find it...

Have you ever had your entire living space decorated by your cat grabbing the end of a roll of TP or a roll of paper towels and running with it? And running in every nook and cranny with it, wrapping it around and under chairs, tables, etc.? Real fun if it was your last roll and you have to rewind it because you can't run off to the store just yet.

Yeah, gotta love cats. Wish I could have another one but the other half won't let me. The "box" is the reason given. Sure.

Cats are pure love!

Anonymous said...

Do I detect in the tone of your writing a slight feeling of loathing for your cat?
This may go back to an incident that happened in your childhood. Somewhere in the darkest cavity of your brain there is a memory that you may be trying to shut out, do not be afraid to let this memory come forward you may be surprised at how many people have had similar experiences.
Remember, when the demons in your head let this happen we are here to listen.
We are here for you, to laugh with you, to cry with you, to take your frustrations out on, or simply to listen to you.
Please understand, you are not alone, I too was like you are now, but I overcame the feelings of shame and can now shout for all to here, I LOVE MY CAT.

Anonymous said...

This is the funniest thing I have read in a long, long time. You are really a true talent in describing the situations. I'm not sure if my cat would agree though.. She is staring form under the sofa. I look forward to write more of your ehm.. stuff.

Arizona Real Estate News said...

I'm a little late to the party... but just had to thank you for that post. Almost pee-d my pants reading it. We have a thirteen year old cat so I forwarded this post to my wife and friends as well.


Matt Pellerin, REALTOR

Anonymous said...

Ever heard of letting your cat outside?

IncrediBILL said...

My next door neighbor let her cats outside and within 3 months she had 3 flat cats in the street.

No thanks.

Anonymous said...


Yeah .. I love our cat the same way. Excellent post and definitely captures the finer points of cat ownership.

Oh yeah, how'd you teach yours to yowl when he was done in the sink?

Anonymous said...

Thank you Bill, this was wonderful!

Anonymous said...

BTW, we also keep our cats inside because the world is full of careless idiots.

Anonymous said...

This was one of the funniest things I have read. Hilarious!

With 3 cats myself, I can relate to most of this...most, not all. Sounds like you've got yourself a little stinker. My wife tried bringing in a stray one time. It was mega cute but the little guy had the worst smelling shits and there was no way we were going to have 4 cats running around the house - especially when the unlucky 4th had "odor issues".

Cats are awesome but don't expect your carpets to remain spotless.

Neil (engine) said...

Hey, Bill, thanks for sharing your experience. Why is that all just like our house!

I'd like to share with you some great tips from The Onion,14398/