Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Good Will Toward Men but FUCK WOMEN DRIVERS!

Mind you, I really don't have issues with women but you all pushed me over the edge tonight so if you're a feminist or some other gynecologically psychotic wack job then stop reading now and you won't have to increase your medication tonight.

My wife is running a fever and I'm out running a mission of mercy to get carry out food from BJ's and everything is fairly calm on my way to the restaurant but it's not quite 5PM yet and all those bitches are still answering phones, making copies, spell checking and doing other office-based chick shit.

Once I've retreived the food to return to my poor suffering ill honey is when all hell breaks loose.

Barely pulling out of my parking space I'm maybe 100 ft down the parking lot and some Malibu Barbie mother fucker ZIPS out in front of me, not a little nudge, I mean she ZIPS out and blocks the entire lane forcing me to screech to a halt. With my headlights glaring in her window the blonde vapid DMV approved sack of shit thinks that making some cute little wavy sign with her hand makes it OK that her IQ is barely above room temperature. Mind you, I'm on a mission of mercy to get food home to my sickly flu infected wife or I'd have most likely hit the gas instead of the brakes and hit that car so hard I'd have blasted her blonde intestines out the tail pipe and left her head shattered into the safety glass for a nice 1,000 peice puzzle for the holidays.

However, I let Bambi continue on her way intact and go about another 3 blocks and I'm in the left turning lane and half way into the intersection when suddenly some raven haired green Mazda driving whore from hell in the non-turning lane PULLS INTO MY LANE! Horns a blazing, breaks a screeching and this oblivous bag of estrogen just keeps pulling in front of me and nearly removes my fender.

Now that this crazy excuse for an ovarian driver is securely in my lane in front of me and my bumper is magically still attached to the car I decide to flip on my brights behind her to express my discontent with her PMS-based inability to drive a car, follow clear road signs and directions and to firmly disregard horns of warning. This pathetic excuse for an X chromosone has the audacity to make hand gestures for ME to CALM DOWN!

My hand gestures at this point leave nothing to the imagination.

When I'm only 2 blocks from home I think all is safe as I'm far away from the deadly combination of rush hour and Xmas shopping cockholders but hell no, they're at it again.

Sitting at a 4-way stop sign a van to my left that had the right of way starts into the intersection making a left turn while the cell phone talking fingernail polishing titless bitch in the lane on my left decides to pull into the intersection after the van already has control. My horn immediately sounds and this crazy cow at least hears me and screeches to a halt while I see shit oozing out of the crack at the bottom of the van door as the driver has obviously been traumatized by the near collision.

What the fuck is wrong with you women?

Take a goddamn cab!

Stay home!

Just hand over the car keys to a man until XMAS IS OVER GODDAMMIT!


Anonymous said...

You really need to get out of that crazy, overpopulated state you're living in!

Anonymous said...

Tell us what you really think, Bill.


OptiRex said...

Hehehehe...try a few beer sedatives!

You know what bill, that's precisely why I gave up 60,000 miles per annum...now I live in the backwaters where 30 miles to the airport takes 30 minutes, take a regional plane to a hub, fly where I need to etc and hire a car for the duration.

It wouldn't have solved your problem however I don't stress like I used to...believe that and you believe anything:-)

Anonymous said...

my wife provided me a link to your blog and mentioned, in her exact words, that the "guy reminds me of you. Bad Words".

this rant had me rolling. Please keep it up, you made my day.

Lynn Terry said...


Unknown said...

I started to hate girls fuck them, my girl friend is leaving me for no damn Reason look :

Anonymous said...

fuck you right back, asshole.

Anonymous said...

Here in the Uk we have an insurance company called sheilas wheels that only allows females drivers to join, no men.

Now what would happen if we had a men only insurance company they'd be screaming sexism etc.

Anonymous said...

Christ I almost shit myself laughing, but you know, it's no laughing matter. I go through the same shit every time I'm on the road.
I guess the problem with me is that I'm a freak of nature who actually drives the goddamn speed limit.
I always have some pony tail who's barely able to see over the dashboard yacking on her phone doing 25 over the limit OR I have some insecure moron riding my ass. The other night I was in a four lane 50mph zone, doing 50, when a car pulled right up on my ass. There was no turn off for miles so you'd THINK they'd pull around me and get on their merry fuckin' way. Nope! So I decided to fuck with this driver a bit and I slowed down a bit...to 20 mph!
This airhead stayed right on my ass with a full clear left lane. I sped up a little, and so did she, geeze I started think the FBI was tailin' me! Then I switched to the left lane and she whizzed right by me. As she passed I could see the glow of her cell phone press up to her precious bubble head. Jesus Christ, save us with an asteroid!

Good blog, I'll be back here often and should probably grab a feed.