Monday, December 12, 2005

Lava Pockets

Whoever the sadistic bastard was that thought putting a lava flow inside of a pastry shell and selling it as food should be dragged out into the parking lot and have his nuts stomped into the pavement.

These little faux food items should be used to torture prisoners as the jails would surely be empty in a week as everyone got on their best behavior to avoid them.

This little warning on the food is the understatement of the century:

CAUTION: FILLING WILL BE HOT
Hot?

A pot of molten metal is hot, this shit fresh out of the microwave is like a slice of the sun's corona!

No mention on the package that you'll lose your fingerprints picking up this little snack as your fingers' epidermis will transfer to the pastry shell as you remove it from the microwave.

Forget a cold soft drink unless you have a cannister of liquid nitrogen handy as nothing else will help cool down the 3rd degree burns in your mouth.

They should require you to purchase a "Hot Pocket" safety kit and be properly trained and certified before being allowed to eat one of these damn things. The safety kit should include some metal mesh gloves, Space Shuttle thermal tiles to use as a plate, a high temperature infrared thermometer to sense when it's cooled to normal environmental levels and some safety goggles just in case a bit of super-heated lava splatter heads toward your eye.

Don't forget to keep a fire extinguisher handy in case you accidentally set the cooked item on a bare wooden table and it erupts into a violent fireball.

1 comment:

Zoey Hanson said...

Oh god! I know how this is. I heated one up for a quick trip somewhere-15 minutes later, I can actually eat the damned thing,yet I don't have enough time to eat it.