Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Did You Hear My Horn?

This is an open letter to all the incompetent drivers out there on the roads of the world.

You know who you are and we know who you are too, which is why we're honking our horns at you, flashing our lights at you, and most likely slamming on our brakes to avoid your masterful maneuvers when you're showing off your true talents on the road.

Lanes, pick one and stick to it.

Follow those little dots and dashes on the road and stay between a pair of them, it's not that complicated. When making a 2 lane turn into a 2 lane road, stay in the lane you started in unless you want to explain your incompetence to the mechanic, insurance company and the Dept. of Motor Vehicles.

Even if a road jogs at a funny angle as you cross an intersection, and the markings aren't too clear, it's not rocket science. If you're on the far left or right in a 3 lane road, stay to the far left or right. If you're in the middle lane it can't be that complicated to figure out where the middle is in the road across the intersection but sure as shit, 9 times out of 10, you end up in the far right lane with people honking (often me) and screeching brakes to avoid your dumb ass.

Aren't the cars in the lanes next to you any clue that it's unsafe to change lanes at this time?

Turning Signals or Blinkers, Use It or Lose A Fender.

It's that little lever on the side of the steering wheel that you either never learned how to use or it's too inconvenient to use because your fucking cell phone is currently in that hand. I'm not a mind reader, and even if I have a clue what you're about to do, I'm going to completely ignore it because you're too stupid to expressly tell me. Maybe I'll even speed up just to make sure I'm in the way and completely justified for blasting my horn and scaring the shit out of you which will probably cause you to then over steer to avoid me and careen into a bus load of kids on the other side. Signal your turn or die, your choice.

Turning Lanes, Get Out NOW!

If you're in a right or left exit only or turn only lane, can you explain why in the hell you wait until you get up to the end of the lane, often at a stop sign, before you decide to change lanes?

Never mind the long line of cars behind you now waiting since you fucked up their lane.

Never mind the long line of cars in the lane next to you because you're fucking up their lane as well. Most often you veer into that lane as you try to change lanes, without a turning signal (see Turning Signals or Blinkers above) and then panicked and stopped so now they can't get around your dumb ass either.

Doesn't the sound of those horns honking behind you give you a clue you're a pinheaded fucknut?

Space, Keep Your Damn Distance!

If I look in my rear view mirror and you're tailgating then you might want to pray your brakes, airbags and seatbelts all work properly.

If you're driving an expensive and well polished German car, I might just put on my windshield washers which will send a spray of water over the top of my car onto that wax job you just paid for and put spots all over your car. Some of you are smart enough to back off after my washer pisses on your Porsche a time or two, others not so bright.

Maybe I'll just drop from overdrive into drive and completely let off on the accelerator so the engine will suddenly slow my car down real quick, no brake lights, not a single clue I'm slowing, and scare the shit out of you when you almost plow into my car.

Hell, you want to be in my backseat?

Maybe I'll just help you out...

Maybe, if I'm all alone in my car, and you're all alone in yours, and there's nobody else around, just maybe I'll slam on the fucking brakes so hard that you'll smash into the rear of my car with enough force you'll pop your airbag like a balloon, fly through your windshield, smash through my rear windshield, where you can lay bleeding to death in my backseat assuming you aren't already dead from the impact.

Pulling Into Traffic.

Why in the hell do you watch the other cars coming at you, sitting there with your thumb up your ass, and suddenly pull into traffic at the last second?

You must realize it's a bad idea as you hear the screeching brakes and honking horns that greet your entry onto the road yet you do this every time!

If suicide is your wish, use a gun or rope in the privacy of your own home and leave me and everyone else on the road out of it.

Handicap Placards.

Let me give you a hint: those blue handicap placards or handicap stickers on your license plates do not make you invincible or give you carte blanche permission to do stupid shit on the road without repercussions. If you think you're handicapped now, just wait until 3 thousand pounds of screaming steel fucks you up worse that you already are. Just look at what happened to Christopher Reeves and that was just a single horse power, so imagine what my 455 horse power can do to mangle you further.

Summary

The difference between a drunk driver and a your bad driving ass is that at least the drunk driver can sober up but your bad driving is dangerous 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Take a fucking cab before you kill yourself and take innocent people with you.

Just get off the road now, stay off the road, and we'll all live longer and happier lives.

114 comments:

Anonymous said...

Amen.

Anonymous said...

Wow! A rant on bad drivers. How totally original. Thank god we have good drivers and original thinkers like you to help the rest of the world see their/our errors.

IncrediBILL said...

Sounds like I struck a nerve with someone that can't drive worth a shit.

Anonymous said...

The only one I'm guilty of is tailgating. I can't stand it when people drive slow on a 1 lane road. If you want to go 25 in a 35, pull over and let me by do i can go back to 55.
I tailgate people like crazy when they drive too slow, especially when theyre wel *under* the limit.

tim said...

Very nice. I love the Christopher Reeves bit.

Anonymous said...

Here in Taiwan; NOBODY knows how to drive and it pisses the shit out of me..

You are correct on every point. You however, forgot to mention looking behind you before you open the door on the driver's side when parked on the side of the road.. If you want to lose your head and the driver's side door, that'd be the way to do it!

Anonymous said...

good rant, I totally agree w/ many of the things you said..and it happens to me ALL the time...its called 'Orlando in the AM'

Anonymous said...

@ Anonymous 2/14/2007 7:18 PM

if you're going 55 in a 35 then you are just as big a bastard as any shitty driver out there because you're a threat to the traffic too.

Anonymous said...

The problem with this article is that 95% of all people polled think they are good drivers. Clearly, this is not the case.

The way I think someone can be an excellent driver is basically drive faster than me, or stay the hell out of my way. Driving is not meant to be a slow and passive time of reflection and meditation. Driving is something that should be done as fast as possible. If you want to drive slow, do it on your own time, or on a lane or road far from me. Nothing is more rude than wasting another person's time.

Also, I disagree with the article. It is not necessary to use turn signals all the time. Turn signals tip off your opponents to your future move. This can be useful in some cases, but more often than not, using a turn signal puts you at a disadvantage. Just calculate your manuver, execute it, and step on the fucking gas and get out of everyone's way.

Never block anyone. Ever. Go out of your way to let everyone pass you - if they can drive that fast. A good mantra to recite while you drive is 'Lead, follow, or get the fuck out of the way.'

Talking on a cellphone can be a productive use of time if you can hack it. I can, but a lot of people can't, and there is no shame in admiting that you can't. If you find yourself weaving all over while trying to dial, pull the hell over and dial or shut the phone off.

Anonymous said...

forget about the asswipe tailgating you- more annoying is the person who cuts in front of you giving you a car length or less reaction time. And of course they're usually the ones constantly tapping their brakes for no reason.

brian said...

I fuckin love it. Well written. I'd like to see an expanded version where you cover even smaller dumbass moves like "Riding parallel to a car in the slow lane (when you're in the fast lane) for miles on end (AKA the speed regulator)" and "Not pulling into the intersection when waiting to turn left, thus blocking people from going around you or making it through the light behind you".

Joan Khoo said...

I had this discussion with my colleague. When it's someone else's bad driving, it's all "Get Out Of the Way You Idiot!". When we make a mistake, it's all "Give me a break!".

Anonymous said...

While I apreciate a rant on bad drivers just as well as any one else, (I work on an ambulance so if you think people are bad normally try running emergent) Other people driving like assholes does not give you permision to do the same. I like some of you tips (the windshield washers is a classic) suddenly slowing down in front of a tailgater is not a good idea for the tailgater or for you. I live in Colorado and someone there was just convicted of first degree murder for doing that. so just remember if you see a bad driver honk your horn, flash your lights, use your washers or call the police (*CSP in Colorado). anything more than that makes you just as bad as them and puts you in the catagory of job security for me.

Anonymous said...

Amen, brother!

I'm going to have to 'splain to my insurance agent how I took out a cardoor one of these days. It's just too tempting. Seeing some assclown with their door fully open on a narrow street and not making the slightest effort to watch approaching traffic.

I keep an ashtray of nickels that use to wing at cars that a truly being asshats (cellphone, stupidity or both...usually it's a BMW or a SUV). Nothing like the look on their face when you wing a nickel into either their car or you sail it through the window and peg them. And this is daily in Los Angeles on the 405.

Jason said...

Right on Bro! What is so hard with using a freakin' turn signal? And seeing that the rear car in a rear-ender is almost always automatically responsible/guilty in most states, what do ppl think they are accomplishing by keeping a distance of 2 feet? They want me to speed up? Sorry! I slow WAY down. Hate me if you like but I still be livin'!
-- Jason

Anonymous said...

you left out the ninja drivers. You know the ones that cruise iny our blindspot on purpose so you can't change lanes, and will slow down with you or speed up with you in order to stay in your blind spot.

Anonymous said...

ok you missed the most important one of them all. The Passing lane aka Left lane of the highway. its not for driving its for passing. Its only in this fucking country that no one knows that. I mean you find these dumb asses going less than the speed limit most of the time, in the PASSING lane, who the hell are you passing a damn turtle ?

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous about staying out of the way of other drivers.

I agree, you should want to spend as little time on the road as possible. I always try to lead the pack because I hate not being able to completely predict the drivers in front of me. I just don't trust them.

I also hate the people who like to drive under the speed limit and won't let me pass. What's your problem? I just wanna go at least the speed limit. Sure, sometimes I may go 5 over, but you going 10 under is so inconsiderate!

Jason said...

I couldn't agree more with your blog on bad drivers. Here in Raleigh, I can easily tell good drivers I respect, from idiots that are gonna kill someone. One comment I would like to make is that I feel sometimes in certain conditions tailgating may be necessary. Take this example, normal day, just on your way to work or home. Then some assgina cuts you off with a right turn onto your one lane road. After forcing you to slow way down, she then proceeds to drive 5 miles under the limit thinking its safer, then she breaks every 5 seconds because she can't handle a car past 40 miles an hour. Next thing you know she causes a huge ass line of cars behind her which is dangerous because it disrupts normal flow of traffic, cause she sucks ass at driving. This would be a perfect example to tailgate her, flick her off, and shine your brights, and then pass her by going off the road, because thats how slow she's driving. And hopefully she'll get a clue to get off the fucking road or drive at least the speed limit, and realize she's not the only one on the fucking road, theres other people in this fucking world. Sorry for the rant. But yeah, you are right though. I do not agree with tailgating and would never tailgate unless it was the above scenario.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

One thing that really pisses me off is people too dumb to use their turn signals. There have been at least half a dozen times where I was almost hit because someone made a turn without using a turn signal. I now have to wait and watch to see if their wheels actually turn before I can go, which is a waste of my time. It is not like you have to do 5 or 6 complicated tasks to activate your turn signals! I can do it without lifting either hand from the steering wheel. Learn to drive or get on a bus.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...

@ Anonymous 2/14/2007 7:18 PM

if you're going 55 in a 35 then you are just as big a bastard as any shitty driver out there because you're a threat to the traffic too.


only reason speed limits are soo dam low now a days is for dumb fucks like you that think they know how to drive. floor it 24/7 is the best way to drive, you actually watch whats going around you

piroteck said...

i want to fucking shoot myself in the head when i have to drive around denver after it has snowed. Take what you said times 100.

Anonymous said...

"The only one I'm guilty of is tailgating. I can't stand it when people drive slow on a 1 lane road. If you want to go 25 in a 35, pull over and let me by do i can go back to 55. "

I slow down on purpose for dimwits like you. I'm doing 35 to start with but when you start tailgating me I slow down to 30. If you keep tailgating I slow down to 25. And I keep going lower and lower until you figure it out.

I once got it all the way down to 15 with the guy behind me flashing his lights and beeping his horn. Then he figured it out and left a 2 second gap and I sped back up to 35.

Stop tailgating.

Anonymous said...

On the Reeves bit, horses are actually rated at a bit above 2 horse power. :D But yeah, good point!

Anonymous said...

I think you missed a huge one. That is: Merging on to limited access highways. There are so many idiots that do not know how to merge. Some fly down the acceleration ramp, ignoring the yield sign, barging their way into traffic almost hitting you. They don't understand what the fuck yield means. Others drive down at 5 miles an hour and stop at the end because they are too much of a pussy to get on the gas.

Anonymous said...

Well said. There is a cavaet. You should act vengeful ONLY if you are absolutely certain you have no connection the crappy driver perp. There exists a horrible feeling that happens only when you realize the person that has been pissing you off for the whole ride to work pulls into the same parking lot as you.

Anonymous said...

gotta emphasize the caveats.

Watch out for the armed idiots. Guns are favored by the stupid.

Also, the neighbor/co-worker/fellow churchgoer might be the one you're honking/flashing/tailgating. Remember that!

Anonymous said...

Great post, couldn't agree more! Someone said that you missed the passing lane, you HAVE to add that. I think that's what's causing some of the tailgating.

And also the green light reaction time. How many times have you missed the light because the person at the front had the thumb up their ass (or on the cell phone or both) while the light has been green for ages?

Rotten said...

You missed the worst kind of driver, the one who puts his signal light to the left, and turns right into your lane instead... It's bad enough having to predict fuckers coming into your lane without signaling, but predicting that the person can't tell left from right is something else altogether.

Rot

Anonymous said...

You sound like a dangerous individual yourself.

Anonymous said...

gotta emphasize the caveats.

Watch out for the armed idiots. Guns are favored by the stupid.

Also, the neighbor/co-worker/fellow churchgoer might be the one you're honking/flashing/tailgating. Remember that!

Anonymous said...

anyone who said this article is crap is probably a d-bag who does all of the above and sees no problem with it. one thing i hate that you didn't include is people who don't merge in a narrowing lane until the last second. See that big ass yellow sign with a picture of a narrowing lane?? that means get the fuck over. people who do that at the last second are what causes traffic jams. good post!

Anonymous said...

The drivers I really hate are the ones who hit me in the middle of a left-turn from the right-hand lane or a right-turn from the left-hand lane.

My insurance company doesn't mind them so much.

Anonymous said...

How's that saying go?
"Everyone thinks THEY are an above-average driver."

Finista said...

Good driver is who conforms to all kinds of drivers currently on the road and not loses his head if someone makes a mistake or two. Not all people were born with good reflexes and have perfect alertness - deal with it with dignity, don't yap about it.

Mongocrush said...

Ok you missed one, "The guy that has to be in front". You know that guy he drives on a one lane road at about 10-15 under the speed limit then when there is a passing lane or a place to pass he speeds up to about 10 over the speed limit. Or treats everyone that tries to pass him as a race.

Anonymous said...

I'd like to suggest another few, mostly stop-sign related, because nobody where I live seems to know how to use them:

It says STOP, not CREEP
Every day I see people who don't bother to stop at the sign. They slow and creep. But because subconsciously they know they're bucking for a ticket they creep through the entire intersection. Congratulations, asshole. You've just taken twice as long to clear the intersection as if you would just stop your car and move on like a person with more than half a brain.

Stop signs do not operate on courtesy
There are rules for stop signs and they work. Learn them and use them and you will never have to sit at the sign like an idiot wondering if it's your turn to go. Be aware that waving me through the intersection when it's your turn is just as annoying as taking off when it's not your turn. Don't do me any favors unless it's the favor of learning how to drive.

Know when to wave
Not strictly stop-sign related. There are two times a wave is called for. One is "thanks for letting me into traffic," something I make a point of doing for people and you should too. The other is "oops, I didn't see you there and I recognize I am a total dumbass and I've just proved it." Somehow word seems to have gotten around that "The Wave" is a miraculous tool that automatically changes traffic laws in favor of the asshole doing the waving. An example of an invalid use of "The Wave," which I saw this very morning, is "I saw you waiting at the intersection, but I don't care to be behind anybody, so I'm going to run the sign and turn in front of you. Thanks for understanding!"

Anonymous said...

Statisically, there are fewer deaths and accidents on the Autoban in Germany... where there are NO SPEED LIMITS. If you're caught driving too slow in the passing lane, and someone has to get into the far right lane to pass you, YOU get the ticket for going to fucking slow!! America should have this rule! If you're just a pussy to drive, then your license should be revoked! If you're driving slow, you should either have your warnings flashing, or have a historical vehicle earlier than 1950!

Why is everyone afraid of a stupid number? "Oh no, I can't drive my car the posted speed limit, I may get in an accident!" when in all reality, going the speed limit, or even 5 mph over will NOT effect your dumbass if you get in an accident! In a posted 65, and you're going 60, and you get in an accident, you'll still get just as much destroyed as going faster, so hit your damn gas!

Everyone should get off their fucking cellphone unless you're trying to get directions... and if that's the case, stay in the SLOW LANE.

Just because there's yellow lines on the road that bow out to allow people to know that the road is splitting into a turn lane and the straight-away lane doesn't mean you have to go around the fucking paint. It's PAINT!! People who understand this ride right through the paint to be curtious to the drivers behind them so they can continue to procede in the straight-away when you want to turn. But those assholes that go around the paint pull up a few hundred feet then all of a sudden decide to get in the turning lane when I'm pulling up through the paint to make my turn and get cut off, I'm want to seriously plow though your dumbass and make sure you never drive again!

If there's a little rain, or a little snow, or any sort of "weather" happening that is not a Phenomenon to your region, your car will not go crazy while driving through it! A fucking snow flake, or a drop of rain will not make your car spin off the road! You spin off the road if you cut your wheel too damn hard, so don't slow down! If it's too disasterous to drive in the weather for you, DON'T GET IN YOUR CAR!

If you're in the slow lane, and you can't see the others cars on your left coming up fast behind you, you shouldn't be driving. Just because you put your blinker on does NOT give you the right away to get in my faster lane and cut me off! All of a sudden you feel like passing the car in front of you in the slow lane, so you decide to get in my lane, and as you procede to get in my lane, you forget to hit your fucking gas! You MUST HIT YOUR GAS when you procede to get into a faster lane! NOT AFTER YOU GET IN THE FASTER LANE, AS get into the faster lane. If you can't determine the physics of something coming at you fast, you should stay to the far right until no one is around you!

If a street/freeway is making a GRADUAL turn, 99% of the time you do NOT have to slow down to go into that turn! Your car will not skid while going through that turn on a freeway! The roads are normally always banked, and due the the laws of physics, you will not skid on the bank--unless you're driving 50+ over the posted limit.

Semi drivers: you have NO REASON TO PASS OTHER TRUCKS GOING ONE MILE AN HOUR FASTER!

If you can't listen to all this, then please, just get the fuck off the road.

Anonymous said...

You are my hero

Anonymous said...

Anyone who thinks the Autobahn is safer is a total fucking retard. Have you ever seen a wreck on the Autobahn? I have. Guts, metal, and plastic splattered out for half a mile. Wrecks there are horrific. So, I don't know where you get your statistics, but I suggest you shove them back up your ass where they belong.

Anonymous said...

May be horrific, but there are sooooo many fewer accidents. If you're going to get in an accident going 65mph, you're just as likely to die as going 100+ mph.

Anonymous said...

What about assholes who CAUSE tailgaiting by driving too slow? You know, people who like to hit the freeway at the blazing speed of 40 MPH. People who just don't have a goddamned clue to get the fuck out of the way if they don't know how to drive properly? People who drive slow out of some misguided, self-righteous desire to slow everybody else down. "Brakechecking" is a good way to get yourself shot.

Anonymous said...

Why the fuck does everyone call him Christopher Reeves? Its REEVE. No S. And you call other people ignorant.

Anonymous said...

Wow, some people really are uneducated! The above response is not a letter. GO BACK TO SCHOOL!

Anonymous said...

That's hilarious!!!

Anonymous said...

You're all so right!! Everybody besides me (us)is an asshole! If everyone were me (us) things would be better. Damn, doesn't it feel so good to be me (us), and better than everyone (THEM!) Those dirty pieces of shit should spare us the trouble of killing them on the road and just swallow a handful of oxys.

Yay us.

We rule.

Anonymous said...

For the pro-tailgater(s)... Generally, if someone is tailgating me, I very gradually go slower and slower... just to make the point that riding my ass is NOT going to make me go faster. I actually know a lot of people that do this. My advice would to back off a bit and just maybe the person will speed up once you stop being an asshole.

Anonymous said...

I HATE sem-drivers. I'm firmly convinced they have a profile of my car that is distributed along the freeways I live near. Want to cut me off and pass the truck in front of you because he's going 2 mph slower? Go ahead. I just start the clock. After you've pulled off your brilliant maneuver, just know you'll find my little car square in front of your semi and gradually slowing down. After I've wasted the same time you wasted for me, I'll speed off. Think you're going to pull into that gap behind me and block everyone for the next ten miles? Nope. I'll pace your cab and wait for the cars behind me to catch-up.
Old people in the fast lane? When I do finally get in front of you, expect me to slow down until you pull into the right lane to pass me. I'll speed off and everyone behind you will break free.
My favorite time on the road was when a bus pulled in front of me in the middle of nowhere while I was going... quite a bit over the limit. No one was around; he just did that to piss me off. Well, it worked. I was in front of him going 10 mph for 20 minutes. He finally just gave up and turned on his flashers.

Anonymous said...

"Maybe, if I'm all alone in my car, and you're all alone in yours, and there's nobody else around, just maybe I'll slam on the fucking brakes so hard that you'll smash into the rear of my car with enough force you'll pop your airbag like a balloon, fly through your windshield, smash through my rear windshield, where you can lay bleeding to death in my backseat assuming you aren't already dead from the impact."

Wow. You post a rant about horrible drivers while fantasizing about causing horrific traffic accidents. Doctor heal thyself.

How about this: if you see a car approaching quickly from behind how about switching lanes and letting them past? Speed up or get the fuck out of the way.

Anonymous said...

Other kinds of a'holes:
- the ones who creep on the slow lane (nothing wrong there) and then ACCELERATE when you try to pass them. I can't really say how tremendously that pisses me off!!!
- the people who pass you well above the limit, then stop to a crawl once they are in front of you, then pass you again after you passed them, sometimes half an hour later, and then proceed to do exactly the same. There must be a special kind of hell for them.

IncrediBILL said...

Wow, such a know-it-all...

"How about this: if you see a car approaching quickly from behind how about switching lanes and letting them past? Speed up or get the fuck out of the way."

Listen up butt cheeks, when you're driving in No. California where I live, most of the time you're already behind someone that's behind 10 other cars, and it's not open road ahead whatsoever. The other lanes are congested as well, but it's still moving from 60-75 (maybe faster) but some asshole behind me wants to tailgate when there is NO PLACE TO FUCKING GO!

If I move over he moves up one position, no more, no less, it's idiotic and dangerous.

Trust me, when it makes sense, I get out of the way, I'm not an asshole.

However, if the roads are pretty clear and you're still tailgaiting me then you're driving way too fast in the first place ;)

Evo said...

What about, the Third Lane on a Two Lane Road person. Saw this woman in an suv this one time that suddenly decided that the dotted lines on the road were their own lane and straddled until she came up on another car and swerved to the left lane and once she passed the car went back to *her* lane.

Lennart Hansen said...

Hehe, good read.

Nice one, we are so many who thinks the exact same!

Anonymous said...

The vast majority of drivers believe that their own abilities are 'above average'.

Anonymous said...

What a bunch of passive aggressive assholes! You don't need to worry about someone else going faster than you - if they come up behind you just MOVE THE FUCK OVER! Ever hear of the "rules of the road"? Like "slower traffic keep right" etc? If you want to drive like some grandma, stay in the slow lane. If someone's tailgating you, it means you're in the way. Some people actually have somewhere to be.

Anonymous said...

Come to turkey.. where the idea of a center line does not exist, lights are for suggestions only, if your car is bigger than theirs then you have right of way, and seatbelts are only there cause americans think they are useful.. if a car length exists between cars then you will get cut off.. if half a car length exists you will get cut off.. if you pause with more than 6 inches between cars then you will get cut off.. and yes the police will watch you do this.. and say nothing unless you do it to them..

cheers

Anonymous said...

Nice post... I have 2 things to add:

1. Fog lights are for fog! I'm talking to you, drivers of expensive german cars.

2. I am sick of people who turn on their brights just because there is no oncoming traffic. You are also blinding the driver in the car in front of you through his rearview and side mirrors.

I'm thinking of getting a glow-in-the-dark sign on my back windshield that says "if you can read this, turn off your fucking brights you moron!"

codepoet said...

i did the slamming on the brakes thing once. it was totally worth it... i think.

the dude kept pretending to ram me, so on his 4th or 5th attempt, i yanked the e-brake right when he was almost at my bumper. buddy's van crumpled -- i had only a scratch.

best thing was, when he got out, he said he would kill me. I got a traffic ticket, he had a totaled vehicle and got carried off in the back of a cop car.

Anonymous said...

the reason most of us tailgate some of these bastards and bitches is because you need to understand that the outer lane is meant for some fast driving and that means you shouldn't enjoy your leisurely sunday driving of 60/40(depending on which measurment system you use) on a fastlane.

this is especially applicable to those dumbfucks at the very front decides to step on the brakes just because he suddenly looked up from his fucking sms and realized he's going 10kmph faster than he usually does. something like that multiplies which means a massive pileup all the way back.

so fuck all of you that drive like that.

Anonymous said...

Read what you write shit head (Infredibill, in case it wasn't obvious).

You wrote : "Maybe, if I'm all alone in my car, and you're all alone in yours, and there's nobody else around"

You made NO MENTION of being stuck in traffic when you said that. I totally agree with him (Anonymous poster @ 2/15/2007 1:03 AM).

Anonymous said...

"1. Fog lights are for fog! I'm talking to you, drivers of expensive german cars"

I hate them too and up here in Canada, it's not reserved to expensive German cars but lots of dipshit.

"2. I am sick of people who turn on their brights just because there is no oncoming traffic. You are also blinding the driver in the car in front of you through his rearview and side mirrors"

Simple answer to that problem. Adjust your rear view mirror so it reflects back at them. Once they blinded themself long enough, they'll turn off their bright lights.

simp said...

In case you didn't know that these people are allowed to drive like this you must read My blog on "Special" people

Anonymous said...

"You know who you are ..."

Unfortunately, they don't. There have been studies that mention that people who aren't smart enough to realize they're incompetent think they're better at whatever than everyone else around them. I'm sure that includes drivers.

Soul Shinobi said...

Great rant! If anyone wants more well written rants here are some links to two pages by one of my favorite web authors:

http://www.carbibles.com/petpeeves.html

http://www.carbibles.com/utahdrivers.html

Anonymous said...

Additionally, most people seem to have no clue how to yield. They treat it as either a stop sign or a green light to go.

Yield means... slow down or stop and give up right of way to the other guy if he is there, slow down and go if he is not.

bastards

Anonymous said...

What's your view on cyclists?

Anonymous said...

I can see why you would yield on a turn point but on an on ramp, why slow down? You're just backing up traffic doing that! Why not adjust your speed to the speed of the traffic instead? Don't you think it's more logical?

SomeGuy said...

I agree on all but directional signals. Clearly you have not driven in New England because every time I use my directional the car behind me in the destination lane speeds up because God forbid someone is in front of him. Using a directional around here is tipping your hand and causes other drivers to speed up and block you from changing lanes.

We_Are_All_Guilty said...

Funny how everyone complains about bad drivers, yet no one admits to being a bad driver. EVERYONE does things they should not. EVERYONE is guilty of the occasional infraction. Just because you saw someone take a last minute turn or forget their directionals doesn't mean they do it all the time. I'm sure each and every one of you has at some point been distracted by your phone, radio, or coffee and done something stupid. And I'll bet the guy behind you was saying the exact same things you say about bad drivers.

Anonymous said...

Your anger is only hurting yourself, brother. Follow the path of Zen and just be one with the traffic. Your on the way to an early heart attack with as much anger and animosity you have stored in that over-testosteroned frame of yours, SON.

Anonymous said...

anonymous said...

"I slow down on purpose for dimwits like you. I'm doing 35 to start with but when you start tailgating me I slow down to 30. If you keep tailgating I slow down to 25. And I keep going lower and lower until you figure it out.

I once got it all the way down to 15 with the guy behind me flashing his lights and beeping his horn. Then he figured it out and left a 2 second gap and I sped back up to 35.

Stop tailgating."

There are two things very wrong with this response.

1. If the person could pass you they probably would. If they can't, ask yourself why they can't get around you. If you're in the left (passing) lane and you're not passing anyone, how else do you expect people to react? Pass whoever is beside you and GET... OUT... OF... THE... WAY! In my state it is actually illegal to be in the passing lane if you are not actually passing someone (I checked). It actually consists of two ticketable offenses - impeding traffic AND improper passing. The sad part is that those laws almost never get enforced. If those laws were enforced you probably wouldn't see as much speeding and/or tailgating because every other driver on the road wouldn't feel like "if I don't get around these people I'm going to be stuck behind them forever".

2. What about all the drivers behind the guy tailgating you? Even when somebody pisses me off I know better than to slow way down as you say you do, because then you are fucking every single driver that gets backed up behind you two fucktards. I don't care if the guy flung monkey poo on your windshield while banging your mother - if you're the one at the front of the traffic line slowing everything way down, YOU'RE the one I consider to be the asshole.

Anonymous said...

Here is the Colorado news story in regard to the posters comment (i.e., road rage = 1st degree murder)...

http://www.rockymountainnews.com/drmn/local/article/0,1299,DRMN_15_5306928,00.html

Anal Spelling Boi said...

That's Christopher Reeve, not Reeves.

rob said...

traffic ranting is always funny haha. missed a few points, but thats okay.

( #1 gripe: people who merge into a highway of people doing 85 at 30 thinking its somehow safer. )

-friend from the tri-state

Anonymous said...

here, here.
left lane cruisers piss me off to the point i expect my head to implode. suddenly i become the bad guy when i flash the highbeams.

Anonymous said...

This article is why most of us who ride a motorcycle daily carry a pocket full of half inch ball bearings. :)

Anonymous said...

Yeah, don't tailgate the asshole who is probably in the passing lane of an expressway doing 20 miles per hour less than the rest of traffic!

If you got a bunch of traffic on your ass put your god damn turn signal on and get the fuck to the right. Because you are probably holding up traffic for no better reason than that you are out to "teach a lesson" to ALL OTHER MOTORISTS, you being the only "good" driver out there. You appear to be the worst asshole because you don't know it. If you look in the rearview mirror about 2 inches away you'll probably see tool #1.

Why do you have an ax to grind with all those asshole drivers "out to get you"? Sounds like you got a lot of tailgating problems and driving problems in general because you are THEE biggest hole of the ass driver.

Anonymous said...

[QUOTE]If you're in the left (passing) lane and you're not passing anyone, how else do you expect people to react? Pass whoever is beside you and GET... OUT... OF... THE... WAY! In my state it is actually illegal to be in the passing lane if you are not actually passing someone (I checked).[/QUOTE]

The speed limit still applies to the "passing lane" so you have no legitimate right to get upset as long as the person in front of you is going the speed limit. Now, I will use the passing lane when I begin approaching a car. If the car adjusts its speed such that I can't pass (which to successfully do so would be 2-3mph above the speed limit), I wait until I can safely merge back into the right lane. Just because I had all intentions of passing, doesn't mean I should adjust my speed to please you. When it's safe, I'll merge.

It's only "impeding traffic" if you're below the speed limit. Where I live, failure to yield right is actually a common reason to pull you over and check for drunk drivers at night.

[QUOTE]If those laws were enforced you probably wouldn't see as much speeding and/or tailgating because every other driver on the road wouldn't feel like "if I don't get around these people I'm going to be stuck behind them forever".[/QUOTE]

Now, you made a very good point there. The logic in that statement is the reason that the Autobahn is one of the safest roadways in the world, even with its areas of unrestricted speed.

Anonymous said...

In Northern Virginia we have many intersections that have only stop signs at all four corners. It is amazing how many people forget the rules and go out of turn. At one heavily-traveled intersection we average one accident every five days.

Handling four-way stops is easy. When you stop at the line, look at the other three lines and see who else is already stopped. Anyone who stopped before you gets to go before you do. Simple.

Anonymous said...

Drive paranoid, They're ALL out to get you.

Anonymous said...

First, I want to say I second everything stated in your open letter. And I just want to add for everyone complaining (including me) this is why we should support the enhancement and expansion of public transportation in all of our cities. It’s less dangerous for all of, less stress, less stupid drivers, and better for the environment. PUBLIC TRANSIT is the way of the future, because with stupid people on the road we are all at risk!

Anonymous said...

First, I want to say I second everything stated in your open letter. And I just want to add for everyone complaining (including me) this is why we should support the enhancement and expansion of public transportation in all of our cities. It’s less dangerous for all of, less stress, less stupid drivers, and better for the environment. PUBLIC TRANSIT is the way of the future, because with stupid people on the road we are all at risk!

Anonymous said...

I always said that all drivers should have baloons filled with orange paint (water based). When you see someone driving like a fool - you tag their car with one of your baloons. That way the other drivers on the road will know to avoid the cars with the most orange blobs.

Anonymous said...

Just so everyone knows, Speed Limits work BOTH ways, for the people who say they slow down because people are riding their ass. Maybe if you werent illegally impeding traffic in a PASSING lane, we would not be so far up your ass. Yes theres a cap to how fast you can go and theres always a point where youre going TOO slow also. Usually when people drive slow they lack confidence to drive like a normal person(At the speed limit, not necessarily above) the most dangerous thing you can do is not be confident(in anything really but im just talking about driving) The more you hesitate the more chances of getting into an accident. Fortunately, I have never been in or caused an accident or came close to causing an accident due to my by definition here shitty driving. BUT my shitty driving has saved my lives from people who use their turn signal, but dont actually look into the lane theyre going to, so thats when my shitty driving comes in handy to avoid a safe driver who uses their signal. People are assholes, you turn your signal on they speed up because GODFORFUCKINBID you get in front of them. It doesnt matter if theyre doing 90 and youre doing 65, youll do 95 just to make sure theyre not in front of you. Following the law does not always make you a good driver. Laws are not foolproof and are not always right.

TJ Mahoney said...

i drive a nice german car...but i wont ride your ass or forget my turns...but if you even think for one fuckin second that its funny to spray your washers on me because you think i'm to close you will most likely end up dead....i will kill you....slowly...and painfully....and then i'll find some slow driving handicap lady to run you over....over and over and over

Bill said...

For all those living or traveling to Ohio, for some reason the people out here do something I like to call "random braking", for absolutely no reason the person in front or to the side of you will randomly hit their brakes ... only for a moment ... but for no reason, it happens all the time, so visitors to this backwards ass state, be careful.

bill said...

tj mahoney,
are you referring to something like this?

Link

Anonymous said...

Merging - remember, the hot blonde in the convertible will very rarely pull over and blow you for letting her merge. Make her wait her turn, you did.

Truthspew said...

Bravo! Right on. Right now I walk more than drive but I thought I'd share this little story with you. It's in answer to your tailgater story.

When I was younger a friend thought he'd be click and kept getting up on my bumper. Well, I knew my car well and knew that I could depress the brake by about 1/8" to make the lights come on but the brakes wouldn't slam on.

So I tapped it. I heard screeching tires behind me. Got called crazy, etc. but he never tried that little trick again.

BTW, I've deleted my blogger site because of google's heavy handedness with Nick Gisburne, so I can be found at http://truthspew.wordpress.com

Tony

Anonymous said...

Amen, brother.

mikeaugust said...

You should call Adam Carolla radio in Los Angeles and get him to champion your traffic cause...

Anonymous said...

Bill, congratulations on your self-righteous crusade against the world. You are indeed champion of the people. I'll echo the 2nd commentor and raise you this: I'm a better driver than you.

Anonymous said...

" Anonymous said...

The only one I'm guilty of is tailgating. I can't stand it when people drive slow on a 1 lane road. If you want to go 25 in a 35, pull over and let me by do i can go back to 55.
I tailgate people like crazy when they drive too slow, especially when theyre wel *under* the limit. "

Of course the exception is when I'm going well *over* the speed limit and someone still feels the need to tailgate me... That's when I'll slow down to 25 and make the next 5 miles of one-lane road a living hell. Hey, you asked for it.

Anonymous said...

Bill, you sound like one of those overly-conservative center-lane drivers who drives 5 under the speed limit and is the primary cause of traffic congestion.

Please stay at home where it's nice and safe and leave the driving to us professionals.

Anonymous said...

This guy is a douchebag. Expect to hear a story about him getting his ass kicked on the 5'o clock news for his highway vigilante tactics.

Anonymous said...

1. If the person could pass you they probably would.

Not so.

I usually do the posted speed limit, or 5 mph above. I also usually drive in the "slow lane" because so many others want to scream along the highway at mach 2. I don't get tailgated often, because I'm over to the right. The only time I drive to the far left is if I have a left exit coming up soon, and I need to be there. Because gods know I have no business driving the posted speed limit anywhere else on the road except the "slow lane".

But the tailgaters who drive me NUTS are the ones who are driving IN the slow lane behind me, with an empty passing lane next to me, and they can't be bothered to pass me and get out of the slow lane. No, they want me to speed up to 20 mph above the speed limit, when they could perfectly easily just PASS me.

I continue to drive at the posted limit, maybe tapping my breaks to flash my break lights if they get ridiculously close, but I do not slow down. I don't speed up though, either, because there is another perfectly good lane just to the left of me that they could be using, instead of driving so close I can't see the hood of their car.

Generally this compulsive tailgater will eventually get tired of my driving the posted speed, and will pass me. Then they zoom up really fast, pull back into the right lane, and tailgate the next person doing the speed limit in the right lane. What kind of demented game is that? If the right lane is too slow for you MOVE OVER to the left.

Finally, since we're all ranting here, what the devil is with morons who honk, wave, flash lights, tailgate, and cuss out their windows at me when we're both stuck in the same traffic jam? Or we're driving in a single lane behind 20 other cars all slowed down by who knows what up ahead? I can't make the other 19 cars ahead of me speed up. Don't take your impotent frustrations out on the guy in front of you because you can't do it to the car in the front.

Though I think it's pretty funny watching someone go through these kiniptions, finally getting over into the shoulder to pass, and then finding out the hard way that the hold up was a couple of police cars running a traffic break. The cops seem not to ignore that kind of behavior. Yes, I've seen it happen.

Anonymous said...

Flipping your loose change out the window to discourage tailgaters is an OK strategy, but I prefer BBs. I carry a tube in my console and when I'm being tailgated by some asshole mouthing obscenities I let myself drift slightly right and then pour a few dozen BBs out my slightly cracked-open window. They hit the road and bounce just about headlight high. This is especially fun at night since you can watch the asshole's headlight fade quickly to yellow and then go dark. For serious tailgaters, I also carry a tube of slingshot ammo - little 1/4" round steel balls you can get at WalMart. They will bounce windshield high when they hit the road at anything over @ 35 mph. They're not heavy enough to penetrate the windshield and actually maim or kill, but they sure do make a lot of lovely cracks.

In either case, the tailgater gets precisely what they deserve, and I get the satisfaction of leaving them wondering what the hell happened to all that expensive glass.

Anonymous said...

My really bad driving is the only reason everyone else can be above average drivers. Someone has to take responsibility.

IncrediBILL said...

Someone said I'm an "overly-conservative center-lane drivers"?

BWAHAHAHAHA...

Far from it.

I grew up driving big muscle cars for a reason, power and speed, and I still drive them.

I leave the center lane to my wife, that's more her speed.

However, there's a difference between going 150MPH on an empty road in the middle of the desert at 3AM when nobody is around vs. being a complete asshole in a crowded urban road.

Yes, I like it fast, but I like it safe too, and most of the assholes zig-zagging in and out of traffic like morons to get 3 cars ahead of me get to the same destination about the same time.

They gain nothing except coming closer to speeding off in an ambulance instead of their destination.

Trust me on this, I've seen a few of those assholes hauled off on a tow truck less than a mile ahead when the traffic suddenly comes to a screeching halt as they fucked up and hit a car switching lanes like loons.

Not worth it.

For that matter, when is losing your car or your life worth doing stupid shit on the road?

Get real people, your friends and family can't enjoy your presence when you're decomposing in a fucking box.

Anonymous said...

Here's what "yield" means:

"If you pass this sign and get into an accident, it will be your fault".

So do whatever it takes to avoid getting into an accident there. If that means stopping because of heavy traffic in the through lanes, do it.

If that means speeding up to merge, then do it.

Waiting until you get to the yield sign to make this decision is NOT a good idea. You should already be looking to see if you can safely merge, if visibility will allow.

Anonymous said...

People are morons, pure and simple. You forgot the dickheads who can't merge to save their lives; just move right over instead of trying to get in front or behind the car they are merging closest to. Or the ones who are on the highway and get all pissed off when you merge in front of them. Excuse me Princess but get the fuck out of the right lane if you don't want to deal with merging traffic. It's not that difficult! Thanks, I feel better now.

Anonymous said...

Princess does get the fuck out of the right lane if she can't deal with merging traffic. She gets in the left lane and blocks that instead.

l3d said...

It is called defensive driving for a reason. You make some great points, BUT you ever think people might be fucking with your ego. Stop thinking your the king of the road. Get the fuck out of the way. More then I hate bad drivers, I hate Ego drivers more.

Anonymous said...

[QUOTE]It's only "impeding traffic" if you're below the speed limit. Where I live, failure to yield right is actually a common reason to pull you over and check for drunk drivers at night.[/QUOTE]
Actually, that is not true. In most states (including CA), going slower than the traffic behind you is still "impeding traffic", regardless of how fast you or they are going. Sure, they might get a speeding ticket. But you will also get a ticket for impeding traffic.

Check your local laws. You may be surprised to discover that you're actually breaking the law.

[QUOTE]PUBLIC TRANSIT is the way of the future, because with stupid people on the road we are all at risk![/QUOTE]
While I appreciate your enthusiasm, public transportation is not for everyone. People with severe allergies or chemical sensitivities usually cannot take public transportation due to the risk of some other (usually extremely inconsiderate) passenger.

This is especially true of people with perfume sensitivities, a condition which affects about 12% of the US population (with about 3-5% of the population suffering serious effects). You know that person that wears so much perfume that you can smell them from 10 feet away? Imagine if that caused an asthma-like reaction (or an actual asthma attack). In most public areas, you can get away from them. But, on public transit, you're stuck until the next stop. And, now that you've gotten off to avoid them, you are now late to wherever you were going.

I just wanted to put that forward, in case you are one of those "private vehicles should be banned" and "the only motorized transportation should be public transportation" types. Until allergens and irritants can be eliminated from the air in public transit, I'm going to stay in my nice, safe, controlled-environment car. :)

yresim.livejournal.com

Anonymous said...

"Of course the exception is when I'm going well *over* the speed limit and someone still feels the need to tailgate me... That's when I'll slow down to 25 and make the next 5 miles of one-lane road a living hell. Hey, you asked for it."

What about those behind him/her? Did THEY ask for it?!? Keep doing that and you'll end up getting shot by someone with a real short fuse stuck behind you.

Anonymous said...

Get your dog out of your lap when you're driving.
The lapdogger drivers are many of the same ones who whine about others on cellphones.
Just as dangerous.

And it actually seems that the ones with the HC placards are typically worse drivers than most others.
Finally, when I go to the post office and there's someone in the HC spot WITHOUT an HC card, I vociferously ask, "Who has the red Toyota?"
Whoever replies gets, "Well, why do you park in the HC spot when you don't have an HC card?
Didn'y you see that BIIIG sign right in front of your car?"

Anonymous said...

OK, so enough of the complaints with no solution (beside mandatory sterilation) - my aldermanic platform consists of buying D10 Caterpillar dozers to drive the city streets at the speed limit pushing the weak and SLOW drivers off to the side. Don't expect the Dozers to go over the speed limit, but if you cut in on traffic at the last second - BUMP - off you go ya bastard. Get in an accident? so sorry - BUMP - off ya go ya idiot.

Anonymous said...

I got to admit, I really don't care if you do the water trick, If I am cruising at 75 in the left lane ( since I needed to pass someone ) and I come up your rear bumper, you had at least 30 seconds of warning from me with my lights, I drive a crown Vic and the Suvs move out of my way ( does help that I look like a state trooper and my car has the nice flashy lights ).

but really where does anyone get off with permanent left lane, doesn't anyone know to pass on the left stay to the right? I had an officer pull me over a my exit recently, he wanted to write the ticket for speeding, but he said he was impressed that I used the blinkers and "passed on the left, and stayed right" told him that's the rules on the autobahn. he was nice enough to let me go with a warning ( I thought I bought it this time he had me dead to rights's at 80+ MPH )

Sassy Southerner said...

Pro-tailgater,
Yeah great idea, go slow when someone is tailgating you...yeah, that'll fix the problem! Slow down traffic, infuriate the drivers behind you while you "stroll" along in the fast lane! Great idea d* bag! How 'bout get your short yellow bus out of the F'ng way? Move into the retard, far left lane - that's what it's there for!

I always knew I should have wrote "Driving For Dummies"!

Leroy Brown said...

Posts like this make me remember why I don't have a gun. When I think about bad drivers, I just want to start shooting.

James said...

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It's too nice to read.
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Regards,
James.

Abi said...

i know it's been a while, but i just happened upon this particular rant.

firstly, love it, all of it, right the fuck on.

but what really motivated my comment was the part about 455hp. and then i read (scanned) through the other comments & saw something about muscle cars...so uh, whatcha drivin' with 455hp, is what i wanna know?! ;)

i drive an LT1 SS Camaro. it's kinda slow, but has potential (certainly nothing like 455hp). i LOVE american muscle, the deep rumble, the nostalgia of 'em, the "damn the man, fuck the upper-class" feeling they give me.

off subject i know, but i had to ask. :)

Anonymous said...

>> Lanes, pick one and stick to it.

This reminds me of a particular incident... I had just delivered a pizza and was returning to the store. I was sitting at an intersection, waiting on a green light to make a right turn. Across the intersection, waiting to make a left turn, was some nitwit in an SUV. When the light turned green, I started to make my right turn. However, the asshole across the intersection that was turning left, merged into the far right lane, my lane, as he completed his turn. I blew the horn and flipped him off. As luck would have it, he parked in front of the store and I parked right next to him. When we exited our vehicles, I asked him what the hell he was thinking of, and told him that he should've completed his turn in the same lane he started in. His response was something along the lines of "When I enter the intersection I can go wherever I want", and he was serious. So yeah, there are some assholes out there that are absolutely clueless.