Sunday, March 09, 2008

You Know You Drink Too Much When...

When you wake up face down in a pizza you know you got mad drinking skills, especially when you went face down in mid-bite of the pizza.

When you wake up and your pillow is covered in pizza vomit, that's madder skills cause you didn't die in your sleep aspirating on pizza vomit. Having to shave your beard off because you can't seem to wash out all the partially digested bits of pizza is a bit embarrassing. However, having the side of your face that laid on the pizza sauce all night get stained and looking bright red all day is priceless.

When you wake up under your bed, realize you're on cold hard wood, bump your head on wood when you try to get up and suddenly panic thinking you're in a coffin because it's all wood and you can't get up, you've truly arrived.

When leaving a party and the elevator makes your stomach flip-flop you panic as the doors open and vomit down the crack between the elevator and the wall and spew into the elevator shaft just because there's no where else to suddenly yak, you're working your way to be an AA superstar!

When you're leaving a party and have no other place than to barf in a water fountain in the lobby of an apartment complex and as you're leaving giggle as you hear people walk up to take a drink screaming, you're in the club!

When you barf up brightly colored red nacho chips and suddenly panic thinking your stomach is bleeding profusely until you remember what you ate .... and then drink too much and barf a couple of nights later just to make sure that's what it really was.

When you and your friends are out partying all night and you suddenly fill up the floor of the car with vomit and 6 of your friends bail out the window just to get away from you

You know your friends are all alkies too when the topic of conversation is always which one of you wussies is going to drop a street pizza or a technicolor yawn first

Another clue your friends have drinking problems is when they fall out of the car when they open the door

A clue something bad happened is when you wake up on a sofa in a house you don't remember, find your glasses in your pocket and when you put them on can't see thru the thick film of dry vomit that's encrusted them

FINALLY, last but not least, you know it's time to stop drinking when you wake up and flies are picking the vomit out of your nose.


Anonymous said...

I think it was Sinatra that said

"Your not drunk if you can lie down on the floor without holding on"

Anonymous said...

And you [still] have a wife?

I presume you don't share the same bed, and that there also isn't too much french-kissing going on in your relationship anymore....

Or perhaps she is as fond of the plonk as you, in which case I guess we could soon be hearing about the his-and-hers chundering that goes on under your roof and which no doubt serves to keep your marriage a happy one. The family which spews together, stays together. :)

Otherwise, I'm impressed.

Anonymous said...

I think I'll hold off subscribing to CrawlWall until you put it in a corporation with staff who are going to be around to support the product after you kill yourself.

Anonymous said...

Sorry Incredibill I don't wanna bring this "BH" baggage to you.

I have no email now and my phone is now monitored by the police so they attack where I post.

Look mate I am embarrised they are posting this stuff on your site they used to do it by email and phone threats, I can leave, I just wanted to share a possible solution with you and share a few jokes.