Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Dumb as a Post Restaurant Host

When the restaurant host, that person stationed at the front of the restaurant, sees me park right in front of the door, in the handicap parking spot, and limp inside, that should be clue number one.

When I ask to be seated close to the front, that should be clue number two assuming you ever pay attention to what your customers say because I'm pretty fucking sure it goes in one side of your dumb fucking bleached blonde head and out the other.

When you take off with an armful of menus and race across the building and turn around and I'm lagging way behind, like maybe almost at the front door, maybe that should be clue number three.

Do you turn around and try to seat me at a table I'm near and hobbling past?

Fuck no.

You stand there with your stupid bleached blonde powered jaw moving up and down like I can fucking hear whatever vapid shit is spewing out of your brightly lipstick encrusted mouth from across the goddamn restaurant.

And when I finally hobble all the way to where you're still defiantly standing, you then have the balls to ask me if I'd rather be seated closer to the front, you're lucky I don't smack the shit out of you and then smack you for shitting just for being so fucking stupid.

Pay attention to your customer.

Ask them where they'd prefer to be seated before bolting off like a race horse pulling a cartload of menus.

Especially when you see someone limping along, sheesh.

Also, it would be nice if you could seat all the people bringing their snotty little screaming misbehaving heathens all in one section and give other people the option of sitting as far away from them  as possible so not only isn't our dinner ruined by their crying, yelling, running back and forth in the aisle, but we have a chance of not catching whatever version of H1N1 is dribbling out their little noses that they brought home from school.

I will  give props when props are due as two Chinese buffet hosts actually seat me in the back closer to the food so I don't have to walk so far from the buffet to the table. Sometimes being seated in the back is appropriate. Kudos to those that know the difference.


Ratings are Broken: Trusting Reviews from Stupid Reviewers is Insane

Most reviews and ratings are worthless garbage because typically only whiny bitchy joyless people post on review sites just to rain on everyone's parade.

I'm pretty critical of everything and well known to be a cynic but there becomes a point where the bitching and whining of the average idiot isn't helping, it's often off topic, and doesn't add any value to the process whatsoever except just to let the little bastard whine and think they've done something special by crapping on a hard working business owner.


Seriously, do you think giving a restaurant a one star rating just because it's so popular you can't get seated makes any sense? It's obviously a 4 or 5 star place or there wouldn't be 50 people waiting to get a seat every night at 8pm so go ahead and show your ignorance giving them 1 star because your ego can't get past the fact you couldn't flash your snatch and get seated.

Another favorite of mine are people that give negative reviews for something that the food or service is actually supposed to do! For instance, the Brazilian Steak House or Churrascaria is supposed to be salty as they rub salt over the meat when they put it on the rotisserie yet ignorant morons all say it's too salty and give it bad ratings when that's exactly how it's suppose to be and those just clog the system and make ratings useless.

The one that blows my mind is a very popular local place which is busy as shit, always booked to closing by about 7pm, gets negative reviews from idiots like "We drove 40 minutes to go there because it's so good and couldn't get in when we got there.". Who's poor planning caused that problem you fucking idiot! I live 40 minutes from that same place and I always get seated when I go because I get there when it opens at 3pm or I simply don't go!


I'm sitting in a diner enjoying the morning breakfast fare of an omelet and fried potatoes, both quite tasty, when suddenly one of my dining companions who happens to be suffering from a cold, loudly blurts out "This food has no flavor!". I know everyone is entitled to their own opinion but when it's dead ass wrong and the other two people at the table agree they're wrong, it's the cold interfering with their taste. However, had we not been there this person might have written a horrible review of the food which was perfectly fine.

Another time I was out with friends and was asked "What's good here?" and after telling them, they ordered something 180 degrees in the other direction. Later declared what they ordered sucked at which point I kind of lost my shit because first, I was asked what was good, and second, you don't go to a place known for steaks and chops and order seafood. Sure they offer seafood on the menu as an option for people that opt not to kill a cow, but it's certainly not their specialty and I tried to steer (happy pun) them away from it. To be fair, the place now serves fantastic seafood but back in the day it really wasn't their forte whatsoever.


Going mildly off topic but something my own mother did frosted my ass so bad I'm surprised I didn't go off like a nuclear warhead. We were having lunch in a very nice upscale gourmet sandwich shop which has all the makings of disaster with Mom. Everything on the menu sounded incredible to us but of course Mom can't find anything so she finally defaults on the hamburger. When lunch is over I notice that the fucking hamburger has barely been touched and when I ask why I'm told that she doesn't like Thousand Island dressing and it was on the burger. Losing my shit. IT SAID THOUSAND ISLAND DRESSING ON THE MENU! YOU TELL THEM TO LEAVE IT THE FUCK OFF THE HAMBURGER! Which was very good by the way. Now mind you, people like my Mom ordering shit off the menu as-is when they know they don't like it before they order it are writing these reviews.

I have a similar story about someone that doesn't like pepper ordering the Peppercorn Steak and didn't like that restaurant either. What a fucking shocker.

Stupid is as stupid does and then they review sites based on their own stupidity.


What I'm thinking is there will ultimately have to be a set of people with super reviewer privileges, in other words people that are smart enough to know what's what, that can assess the skills of the other reviewers and flag them as mental midgets. Then we can get two ratings, the raw rating data which is usually useless unless you have a very large number of submissions, and the filtered ratings with all the morons filtered out so you can see what truly objective and sentient beings have rated vs. morons that don't know shit from shinola.


It's really a case of "take it with a grain of salt" especially Brazilian Steak Houses. If the reviews mostly sound legit, then go with the majority. But keep an eye out for those idiots that rate it too low or high because of stupid shit. I honestly think some people are just evil fucks that try to tear down everyone and everything to make themselves feel better which is really sad because very few places I've been to deserve that kind of treatment. You'll know when you find one that does because everyone will be dumping on them, not just a couple of losers that probably got bad service because of their bad attitudes (you know who the fuck you are too)!

I tend to see if anyone is enjoying it but not raving about it but giving it 3-4 stars, those are the reviews I tend to trust the most as nothing is perfect and hardly anything totally sucks, so I go with the middle majority. If there is no middle majority posting for something, then I probably won't give it a try because the negative posts are probably spot on.