Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Le Tub and Le Return From Florida

Back from Florida so no more vacation, birthdays or weddings in my near future, done with all that shit and not a moment too soon.

While in Hollywood, that's Hollywood FLORIDA you morons, I decided to try what GQ magazine claimed was the #1 choice of "The 20 Hamburgers You Must Eat Before You Die" and gave Le Tub a try.

For starters, it should be called Le Dump as it makes every dive I've ever been in look like a sparkling palace by comparison. Everything including the tables and benches, if you can charitably call them that, look like they were all made of the same rotting aged dock lumber. The place is cluttered with bath tubs, sinks and toilets used as planters and stuff. Some would call this shit "decor" but overall it looks like you're dining in a fucking junkyard. How this place isn't condemned is fucking amazing.

Don't worry, we read several reviews of this place before going over there and knew what we were getting ourselves into but reality cramps are still a bitch.

We walk in and head toward what looks like a half empty bar and the cook shouts from the cloud of smoke in his bird cage sized kitchen "Those seats are taken and it will be an hour to hour and a half for a burger!" so we head outside and plop down on a table where my bench looks like it's about to collapse but surprisingly didn't wobble at all.

That's correct, you're reading this properly, 1 to 1 1/2 hours for a burger, which we also expected going in the door as it's the Disneyland of hamburgers and it will take that long to get your turn at the hamburger rollercoaster.

Why does it take so long?

All of the burgers are 8 ounces (1/2 pound) which makes them huge fucking piles of beef to start with and takes a long time to cook even to medium. The grill is tiny too, about a 3x3 grill so it doesn't hold very many of these gut bombs in the first place.

The menus are printed on crappy paper and of course mine had mustard stains all over it and might've been slightly soggy but there was only one item on the menu of any interest and that was the hamburger. It's only served one way, and that's the 8 ounce charbroiled way for $10 with the optional cheese costing $0.50 more. Comes with lettuce and tomato but you have to pay an extra $3.50 for small fries or $5 for a basket to share and the fries are well done, nice and crispy the way we like 'em.

Whoever wrote the review claiming Le Tub had a "good if not stellar selection of beer" wouldn't know a good beer if the bottle was smashed upside their head. Good beer is not named Bud, Bud Lite, Coors, Coors Lite, Heineken, Amstel Lite and Becks for fuck's sake!

Our skinny-assed waitress, and I mean skinny as my dick is bigger than her thigh, was pretty attentive and after taking our order it only took 4 Beck's before the burger arrived. While we were waiting we noticed so was everyone else with every table full of hungry zombies just staring at each other wondering when or if their food would ever arrive. Once the orders started flying out of the kitchen it was pandemonia at all tables with squeeze bottles belching out ketchup and mustard in a chorus culminating with the starved gobbling up a generous chunk of scorched cow on a bun.

The burgers had a nice charbroiled flavor and since I've now eaten the #1 hamburger that I must eat before I die, according to GQ, I can now peacefully pass knowing that Le Tub probably contributed to the clogged artery that will most likely kill me.

If you're ever in the neighborhood of Hollywood, FL you simply must try Le Tub as you can't even imagine this place until you see it first hand as there are simply no words that can truly describe this place.

Bon Appetit.


Anonymous said...

C'mon Bill - How was the burger? Was it worth $10??

IncrediBILL said...